Star Wars Episode IV

Star Wars (Episode 4)

 Plot Summary: 

   The main action follows the young protagonist Luke Whiny Skywalker, a young man destined to join the dark side, according to Darth Vader. He meets up with an old crazy Jedi who he calls Ben (Obi-Wan Kenobi) and together they travel to the Death Star, get past thousands of Storm Troopers and escape. Except that "Ben" dies. After mourning his death for a couple minutes, Luke takes the princess (of nowhere, just a princess) to a rebel base. The clever Empire lets them go and gets the Death Star ready to blow up the small moon the rebels are on. The rebels however have the plans to the Death Star and figure out it has a weakness in about a millionth of the time it took the engineers building it to realize they were going to die. Exploiting this weakness the rebels blow up the death star and all the skinny Nazis on board. After returning to the rebel base, everyone is happy and gets medals for saving everyone's skins.

Characters:

Luke Whiny Skywalker: A young teen-like man who grew up on a moisture farm. Wants to be a pilot. Whining is his middle name. Falls in love with sister, thinks she's hot. 

Lars Owen: Luke's uncle, doesn't like telling the truth and stinks at not getting burned to death.

C3-EPO: A droid constantly blaming everything, including himself. Is useful once.

R2-D2: A droid that knows everything and is constantly cussing. The original form of the movie was unfortunately censored so they replaced everything he said with bleeps and bloops. This detracted from the plot because he explained several of the most obvious errors.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: An old Jedi with amnesia. Forgets his own name. Likes psyching people out and chopping stuff. Kind of erratic and very weird. Dies.

Princess Leia: Luke's hot twin sister, falls in love with Luke (gross) and acts like the female version of Han Solo. Is a brat.

Han Solo: An arrogant guy with tons of debt and breaks the law for a living. The kind of guy you'd enjoy not having over for fear of getting robbed and framed for doing it. Shoots first.

Storm Troopers: Idiots that show up now and then and pretend to be interested in what they are doing. Die a lot.

Darth Vader: An asthmatic with an inferiority complex. He was probably picked on as a child, and he has a thing for strangling people. 

Jabba the Hut: Fat worm.

Bubba Fett: Clone of his dad, a bounty hunter who was scarred as a child. Says "As you wish" to Darth Vader which means "I love you". Another weird love story.

Chewbacca: A useless animal that is really hairy and gets mad easily. Hasn't learned english.

Full story:

   This story follows the young protagonist, Luke Whiny Skywalker. He grew up on a small "moisture farm" (they sell water, bottled or no) and hated it. This is supposed to be because of his father's blood but that's stupid. One day when two mysterious (and oblivious) droids are purchased by Luke's uncle Owen, everything changes. Actually, everything is still the same, it's just more dramatic to act like this had something to do with the "inevitable". Luke receives part of a message from a beautiful young princess who is repeatedly talking to not Luke. Luke, in his effort to find out more of this message not to him accidentally  sets the droid R2-D2 free. After complaining about his life and storming out like teenagers are want to do, he sets off in chase of the idiot droid. Since sand obviously doesn't do anything to electronics back then (around a long, long time ago) the droid travels around 30 miles away from the house in a matter of hours. Luke finally finds the droid after traveling the the right direction for about 2 hours, and hunts around for some sand people to get mugged by. After getting mugged by sandpeople, he's saved by a weird old guy who happened to be walking by at the time. After finding out they were looking for an "Obi-Wan Kenobi", he realizes that that is his name, and forgets that he was still being called by that name after Luke was born. They travel back to Ben's place and he gives Luke a lightsaber, which made Luke the luckiest guy in the galaxy. Luke then whines about having to work in the moisture farm. After Obi explains his pantheistic worldview to Luke, who swallows it whole, they travel back to Luke's farm and find out everyone was burned alive. Luke then says, heck I think I'll go with the old guy, and they travel to the nearest sketchy town available.

   Luke and Ben arrive at the city and are stopped by Storm Troopers. To Luke's credit, he never whined once while they were being interrogated. Ben convinces one of the troopers in the most obvious way possible and all the other troopers are idiots enough to believe the one trooper even though he is literally repeating everything Ben just said. After nobody noticed anything, they go to a shady bar in search for the one guy who dresses well. Ben cuts a guy's hand off and they leave. Han Solo is a charmer so when he shoots a guy in the face he only has to say "sorry for the mess". Ben and Luke get aboard the Millennium Falcon and Storm troopers try to kill them for some reason. They get away and Ben teaches Luke more stuff and Luke immediately discovers he can blow lasers without opening his eyes or beheading everyone around him while waving a lethal weapon. With his eyes closed. He whines some more while Han Solo expresses disbelief in the Pantheistic Force idea, a very intelligent skepticism besides the fact everyone seems to have forgotten Jedi existed 20 years after they were eliminated. They arrive at the planet the Death Star just blew up and find the Death Star. Since they have nothing better to do, they chase a Tie-fighter around and get sucked into the Death Star. They cleverly escape by killing everyone and evading being seen by the non-existent security cameras. They get into a control room and find out there is a princess. Ben goes off to shut down the tractor beam so they can escape and they go off to rescue the princess. Being much better at shooting than the trained professional military officers they are attacking, they beat everyone and rescue the princess. Since they are trapped, they escape into a sewer. The storm troopers can't find them or shoot them for no reason at all except sheer stupidity (they jumped in while you were shooting at them, duh) so they decide to just smash them instead. Luke gets strangled by a sewer worm that escapes when they start getting smashed. Chewbacca is useless and Luke whines a lot, mostly about Han. R2-D2 rescues them and they fight there way through another 200 guards without radios to call for backup to the ship. They never get lost because heros are like that. They also never have to go to the bathroom. Ever. Not even in the sewer. Ben and Darth Vader start fighting because Obi-Wan wants to show off. Darth Vader is full of himself and talks about how powerful he is, something he seems to do a lot. Everyone (except Ben) gets to the Falcon just as Ben decides that he's done distracting everyone and the whiny guy needs to learn a few lessons about whining so he salutes Darth Vader as said person chops him in half. This does not hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi because he's magic. He disappears and becomes an annoying voice in Luke's head, but that doesn't scare Luke. Luke can have a weird voice in his head any time of the day, even when he's flying, dodging lasers and trying to hit a tiny target with a single shot without being distracted and crashing to his death in the least. 

   Figuring out that they were being tracked, the whole gang heads to the rebel base just so the death star can find them. Why else? It saves gas driving to the blasted thing. After traveling millions of light years to reach the planet, the Death star is rendered incapable of speed of any sort and has to wait for half an hour before it can shoot the moon. It also only has one shot left, that's why it didn't just shoot the planet and then the moon. The rebels discover in a matter of minutes a fatal flaw in the Death Star's design. The reason the Empire's engineers never figured out this was a problem is because they are stupid. No other reason. Building a superweapon capable of the massest destruction is nothing compared to looking for exhaust ports. So the rebels get all their ships to go and attack the Death star. Since the Nazis see them coming, they suddenly realize that they could all die in a few minutes. None of them worry about this trivial detail because, being the brilliant engineers and strategists that they are, they decide to do nothing about the impending death besides send out around 5/3,000,000 of their strike force to defeat the rebels. This fails and the Death Star is destroyed. Luke is the one who blew it up, an impressive feat for the one untrained, unlicensed pilot in the whole rebel fleet. And he even did it with Obi-Wan prattling on about the Force in his head. In the explosion, Darth Vader flies off and Luke and Han travel back to the rebel base. They all get medals and R2-D2 is repaired (he recieved a blast to the head from a starship-sized laser) so he's ok. After that they all are really happy and nothing is wrong. For now...